experiments
will this be what i hope it to be?

i think it is. I think maybe having free time has finally taught me something. yes, yes, about time you say.

Now...let me see what happens when I do this...

I think I will have a congratulatory cigarette now

kitten tails
I feel like one of those kittens who has cans tied onto it's tail and spins round bewildered, frightened and confused whilst it's tormentors stand by and laugh at their cruel games. And really it would be far kinder to just put it in a bag drown it than have this little kitten grow up afraid and uncertain of anyone it comes into contact with.

And they say that this life is just a mere blink of an eye...I'd now like whoever is blinking to unblink please. I'm bored of this game. Let's play something else.

And of course then come all the questions. What did I do to deserve all this? Was it my fault? Or do I just have a big sign that says 'trample all over me as many times as you like'. I don't even know why I'm bothering to write any of this. Noone reads it and it makes no difference. I don't feel better for it. It doesn't help anything, it can't change things. But I know what I have to do. I just don't think I can. It means giving up more than just one thing and they'll never understand my reasoning. Or perhaps I'm giving myself too much credit in thinking that they would actually care that I have cut all ties, including them. One day I'll actually bring myself to say fuck off. Cats have nine lives. I think I've lost four of them...

2 + 2 = 4
The centre of over-emotional and thirty two paces to the left of rational is where i've been put. To the right there is anger, behind me is guilt and in front there is merely a blank symphony. I was almost convinced of my irrationality, that there was indeed something wrong with me for thinking the things I did but now I see that I really had no reason to doubt myself. Does that make me feel any better? Not one bit. I was right. I wish I had been wrong because then I may have been left with the one thing I truly loved. And I've been here too many times and not convinced I can do it again. No, that's not true. I can do it again. This time though I'm wondering if I should do it again. Everybody says no. I know that should be my answer too but something makes me cling onto whatever it was we had and believe that people change. I don't think they do though. Not if they don't want to and I can't imagine that he does. How many chances do you give people and how long before you stop punishing yourself?
But you should also remember curiosity killed the cat.


'hopelessly devoted to you'

Grammar
Me, myself, and I

A million well-meaning parents are to blame for the rampant abuse of the letter I.

"It's Adam and I, not Adam and me." How many times have you heard that?

The thing is, sometimes "Adam and me" is correct. It depends on whether you are the subject or object of the sentence.

Are you glazing over yet? I understand and sympathize. But don't worry. There's an easier way to remember whether you should say I or me: Leave Adam out of the equation.

If you're asking yourself, Hmmm, is it "Adam and I went to the store," or "Adam and me went to the store," just try thinking of the problem without Adam. You wouldn't say "Me went to the store," would you? So "Adam and I" it is. Nor would you say "Lucy gave I the ball." Which is why "Lucy gave Adam and me the ball" is correct.

Dreams
It's nice to have dreams. Sometimes all our dreams are too big and totally unattainable - like the ones about becoming millionaires, being perfect and other such nonsense. There are other dreams that we should have but don't. Or we have them but don't share them for fear of...something. ridicule perhaps. And I may babble more about this tomorrow but right now it is too late for me to make any sense. night night xxx

Slight Nostalgia
This being-at-home-with-nothing-to-do lark isn't all it's cracked up to be. BUT the parents are going away in two days so I will have the house and the dog to myself and can stay in bed as long as I want to (I do that anyway) and I will not have to endure the pork chop at dinner time. That in itself should help to clear a little bit of the depressededness. I actually miss China. I want to go to the hotel and eat shi lan hua chao niu rou and shi hong she chao jidan and partake of several beers. Things were more simple in China. Of course they didn't always appear to be at the time but they really were. As in Japan too if I think about it.
How was your weekend? Mine was...nothing out of the ordinary and the ordinary is becoming exceedingly boring. I need to get out... and I also need to spend less time playing online but really what else is there to do after one has got dressed and done all those unnecessary daily beautifying things, watched some rather dire daytime television, walked through the town resisting the urge to spend one's last three pounds seventy five pence and made six hundred and two cups of tea? And drank them also, which does make for a good time waster since we then must pee every twenty minutes. Oh, and we mustn't forget the job search either and as much as we have decided that this year we stay in the UK, we can' help but look in the overseas part and see what's on offer there...and that's just all wrong but anything will be wrong if I'm constantly looking for something else. The grass is always greener, right? At some point I have to decide that things are green enough for me.

oh my!
what is this? what have i done? is this how llamas will get to see the mop? i must go and see for myself. see the big red button on my pocket tissue packet. i was most impressed when i went to purchase the aforementioned tissues today. there was a choice of the big red button and something green and i believe something blue but obviously i was too in awe of the big red button to pay much attention to anything else. i do like buttons you know. purple ones are the best with silver coming a close second. llamas like buttons.